Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. So if you think my language is offensive and Inappropriate, (I’m looking at you, Becky.) Please click right out of my blog because you ain’t ready for this sh*t.
When my husband comes home after a long day at work, looks around at the messy house and asks me what I do all day, I honestly can’t tell him.
I know that I woke up, put a load of laundry in the washer… no, wait. That was three days ago. Okay, I know that I washed the dishes earlier… WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SINK IS FULL AGAIN?
I won’t be able to tell you what I do all day. I even tried recording my day to turn it into one of those cute ‘day in the life’ videos on youtube just so I could show you. Don’t you love those videos? The mom is always so well poised, clean and you can tell she smells incredible. There is always soft music playing in the background and her voice is gentle and kind, like an angels fart.
“Hello everyone, Welcome to Lavender Vanilla Sashè and today we are doing a day in the life of a stay at home mom. I woke up an hour early and I had enough time to meditate, shower and journal while I drink a cup of organic grass fed black tea before my children woke up. Then we have quiet cuddle time before getting ready for the day. The kids have soccer, ballet and chess after kindergarten class ends so I like to go out for a vegan quinoa salad with my girls. I mysteriously found time to put on a full face of makeup and my Ivory white pants stayed as clean as my b*tthole. The kids and I spent all day laughing and playing together, I love those guys! We then came home, cleaned for ten minutes till the house was spotless. I cooked a full 5 course meal for my husband. Afterwards my kids went to bed without complaining about it a million times and my husband and I made sweet sweet Saskatchewan love to each other before we rolled over and fell asleep by 9pm.”
… Do I sound bitter? I might be a little bitter.
Look, if your life actually looks like that, I am so sooooo happy for you. But mine doesn’t. When I tried filming my DITL video it went a little like this:
“Hey guys its-WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PUT THAT DOWN-Mrs. Homemaker, I set my alarm for 5 o clock today but my little spawn woke me up with his screaming at 4:30 By the time I fed him, changed him and-WHY IS YOUR BROTHER CRYING DID YOU HIT HIM? I TOLD YOU TO PLAY NICE-got him back to bed, the little guy had woken up the bigger guy. I then spent the next half an hour guessing what that a**hole wanted for breakfast as I made my first cup of coffee. At first it was a bowl of cereal but I must have poured it wrong because afterwards he wanted eggs then it was just raw carrots so we compromised and he fell to the floor crying because I didn’t know what he wanted and I ate his leftover soggy cereal- I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WOULD HURT YOURSELF IF YOU CLIMBED ON THAT- his crying woke up the little ankle biter and he only calmed down when I had pulled him out of the crib. By then, The older one had tipped over the box of cereal and while I was cleaning that up, the younger one had tipped over the bin of toys and had spread it all over the living room. I drank my, by then cold cup of coffee, giving up on the world and my dreams-WHAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH SPIT THAT OUT- of keeping my sanity in check that day. There is now something brown in the couch… oh, that’s where they stuck that piece of bacon. Al’right, that is it mister, you will clean this room while I put the baby down for another nap or so help me God I will rip all the wheel off of your cars light them on fire and you wont be able to drive them along the table while you scream ‘WHOOOOOOO0000000ooooo000000OOOOO!’ anymore. It took me a half an hour to put the baby to sleep. Yes, oh dear god, yes, please watch that Blippi cartoon for the umpteenth time. Its educational, I swear it is. He tells them the colors of his balls and everything. I whisper feverishly to myself, convincing me I am doing great. I then look at the time. It’s 7 in the morning…. MOTHER F-“
Listen. I want you all to know, I ain’t complaining. I would literally rather go through all of that on a daily basis, and hang out with my two favorite human beings (that I created) then go out in the world… and do whatever it is that you guys do with your free time.
I don’t make any money doing what I do and yet I feel abundantly wealthy, because I have the privilege of doing what I love doing. When my baby opens his beautiful brown eyes first thing in the morning, its me he sees first. When he FINALLY learns to walk, he will be walking into my arms. My 4 year old knows the Russian and the English alphabet.
How, you may ask?
Because of me. I did that.
I was the one that memorized the songs before hand so I can sing them to him in the car while we are driving, in the kitchen while he helps me make dinner and in bed while I tuck him in.
I was the one that spent days on the computer, drawing up pictures of each letter of the alphabet with an illustration of a corresponding fruit or animal, and hanging them up on our wall so he can see each letter as we sang them.
Yeah, I might not receive a salary, but the day my son turned to me, holding a piece of paper and a marker exclaiming, “Look, Mama! The letter A!” He had drawn the letter A, all by himself. It looked like sh*t but hey, atleast he tried. No bank, no investment fun, no silicone valley company, felt richer than I did in that exact moment.
People who have no idea what stay at home moms do all day…. have no idea what moms do all day.
So if you are a stay at home mom and someone asks you what you do all day, just remember; they might never see your had work, but one day your kids will thank you. One day, America will thank you for raising the next President of the United States of America.